Letting go of everything negative that defined us in the past

Last summer my bigger-than-life dad, my very physically strong, tireless father, was bitten by a brown recluse spider on his way to a vacation weekend with my mother and their best friends.  He knew he'd been bitten, but he didn't stop driving.   Upon reaching the destination, my parents checked into their hotel and soon it was clear that my father had suffered the potential event that would change his life forever.

He couldn't move for one thing.  Once in the Emergency Room, it became clear he had been seriously injured by the spider.  Over a period of a few weeks, my dad suffered at least four surgeries on his arm to stop the flesh eating effects of the spider bite.  At one point it was reported to me that he might have his right arm amputated.

The daughter and grandson of the best friends stepped in for me- they were advocates for my parents in the hospital, errand-runners, listeners, and liaisons between family, doctors and everyone else involved.  Naturally my father insisted that I stay home, not to worry.

Now let me just say....I suspect my presence could cause a wee bit of stress which prompted his INSISTENCE that I not come.  I am rather high strung.  I'm certain my parents appreciated having someone else's children step up in their time of need.  Their own children can be rather trying.

The crisis passed but it set me on an emotional search for how to deal with my parents as they age.  They are going to age.  These powerful spirits who have had so much impact on my life will grow frail and vulnerable someday.  How can I be a better daughter?  As they age it will not be a time to harbor regrets from the past, not a time to blame.  It will become a time to release anything negative that defined us as a family in the past.  It will be a time for maturity, for forgiveness, for compassion.  It will be a time to encourage them to live well, enjoy life, enjoy each other, and not be afraid that their daughter would thoughtlessly plant them somewhere they don't want to be.  I want their trust.  How do I earn that now?

BUT they, and I, are going to remain the people we have always been.  Their personalities, their interests are not really going to change.   Changing a family dynamic is challenging.  If you listen to counselors or friends, they will say, "you can only change you."  But I believe a family can become new.  All of life is a transition of one kind or another.  But you have to let go of everything negative that defined your family in the past.  Everything.

The healing process was tough for dad, taking months.  My father exhibited a strength I didn't know he had.  My bigger-than-life, physically strong, tireless father was a bigger dad to me then than he ever was in the past. 

A spider sent him on a path of decline and gave him the opportunity to show what he is made of.  On the one hand he aged, on the other he grew as a man and made me proud. 

My challenge remains letting go of the regrets that I did not appreciate them enough in the past....the past....the past.  

Three little boys and their hats

All three men remembered the old soldier in the same way.  When they were five, he was young, virile, someone to look up to.  Look up to him they did.  In 1952 he had fought a war that most everyone was behind- he'd killed Nazi's and that was a good thing in their young minds.  A hero. 

The soldier's son, born after the war, watched his dad leave for Korea.  Another war- more heroism- his pride overwhelming his impulse to cry and beg his father to stay.  His father left for that war on a night when all three boys were together- his son in his little twin bed- the Daniel Boone coonskin cap on his bedpost- the other two boys bunking- the boy on top, army helmet on his bedpost- the boy below, cowboy hat on his.  Little men.

It was the middle of the night when his dad woke him to say goodbye.  "Don't cry, son.  Your father will be back."  "Yessir."  "You three boys take care of each while I am gone, and take care of your mother."

Saw the old soldier again in 2006, this time he was 78 years old.  His son had been missing in action for at least forty years- MIA, Viet Nam.  Surely he's dead, but could never be sure- his body was never recovered.  The Army kept coming up with remains- DNA testing from the maternal remains- only proving that, while several GI Joe's had made their way back to American graves and long-suffering families, none of them had managed to be this old soldier's son. 

He didn't mind so much for himself.

It was the boy's mother who suffered so.  She descended into some kind of grief-induced dementia and finally died. 

She'd run around naked and start fires everywhere. 

Towards the end he had to put her on a dog leash to keep her safe.

Powering Through Fear

A group of my friends and I watched a DVD doc called "Finding Joe" about the hero's journey by Joseph Campbell.  I bought the DVD and Carl and I watched it last week.  It really inspired us both to get off ours duffs this week, but…anyway, enough about that!   I know I am inspired to go on my own journey finally doing some things I really  want to do.  I know I often resist doing the one thing I most want to do.  So here's what I read today…..

If you resist the call, you are right on course. Resisting the call to the adventure is part of the journey.

It's natural to resist that which not only fills a deep need, but can also reveal where you might have fear or self doubt.

When I went to the vertigo doctor this week, he kept using the terms "empower" and "power through".  I believe spiritually my vertigo is a symptom of an imbalance in my real life versus my creative life.  He diagnosed me with the most common kind of vertigo and he treated it with physical therapy right there on the spot.  It was so scary because he placed my head and neck and body in positions that cause great fear and distress to me- he could see how scared I was to be placed in those positions which HAVE ALWAYS caused me to have extreme vertigo, but he held me down and "empowered" me to "power through".    He gave me exercises to power through a four day vertigo episode that may come in the future in only four minutes. 

I can't help but think that powering through our fears might be empowering after all.