I hope I am spending my money well ....on wellness

So I hope I have not fallen for something I shouldn't have- something that costs thousands of dollars. It's called a "wellness program". Geared for the post-menopausal woman- seems we all suffer the same symptoms- and this guy can fix us. Did I say, he can fix us for "thousands of dollars"? The first day I had second thoughts, yes, the money.....but also because I had to do four saliva spits at exact times to submit by UPS to some lab somewhere. They were spits to test my cortisol and other hormone levels, including testosterone (which makes sense because the first foul a.m. spit is what they test what I imagine to be foul-smelling testosterone on) and whew....spitting at 6 a.m.....no coffee, in fact, no caffeine the whole day! I waited for that horrifying headache, but guess what? I never had a headache. I think because I drank CRAZY WATER all day, I was fine. It takes at least 45 minutes to spit into a vial and fill it up. But I did get to watch "Breaking Bad" while I was spitting.

I saw the Moon and the Moon saw me......

Recently on one hot night in Cuba, I was walking in Havana down a cobblestone street that led to the ocean. On that night the Super Moon was hovering what seemed like only inches above the water. I felt small in such a backdrop, the tiniest of creations on the planet. Feeling small and unimportant gave me a sense of freedom. I felt safe, but knew that the water could rise and take me away in a second, that I would be powerless against a rising tide. I got an earworm, too- the song from the musical "Carousel"- you know the one, that Billy Bigelow sang to Julie- "we're two little people, you and I, and we don't count at all." I heard that song first when I was small, and now, in Havana, small again, it came to me under the Super Moon that night. And maybe the song didn't really mean what I thought about next, but....nevertheless.... Accepting what "is"- when we're small it's easier. There is only so much we can affect. What I cannot change, what I cannot influence, what I have no control over, should not be on my mind at all. Worrying about what I cannot control or change is an earworm of another kind, a thief in the dark night, carving pathways in my brain that are driving to defeat me daily. If the waters rise, if the sun bears down, I'd better just get out of the way.

Ubuntu and Gore Vidal

Desmond Tutu once explained that Africans have a thing called ubuntu. "We believe that a person is a person through other persons. That my humanity is caught up, bound up, inextricably, with yours. When I dehumanize you, I dehumanize myself. The solitary human being is a contradiction in terms. Therefore you seek to work for the common good because your humanity comes into its own in community, in belonging." There is always room at the top. We are here to make each other happy, to lift each other up. To make the world a better place. To cheer each other on, hoping for the greatest success for the other. On the other hand, there's that famous Gore Vidal saying....'whenever a friend succeeds, a little part of me dies.' I think I might live somewhere in the middle.

Started a new production company in three minutes .....

About a year ago I hired a coach to help me get on track, set goals, and work on building a career in the arts. I needed someone to hold me accountable because I am a procrastinator. For the first few months he instructed me to set an alarm for one hour and write. Eventually he instructed me to set aside five hours each Saturday morning and go to "work". Recently he instructed me to make a list of everything I wanted to do and START working on them, for three minutes at a time. You want to read more? Read one page. Takes about three minutes. You won't stop. Soon you are reading. Even the things you don't want to do....get them over with! You want to run? Put on running shoes, get out the door, takes three minutes. You might as well at least walk somewhere. You want to clean your house? Three minutes to sweep. Three minutes to load the dishwasher....and on and on. So in increments of three minutes I was instructed by my coach to start ACTIVELY living my dreams. So yes, I started a production company in three minutes when I got a domain name. You see my friend, Lisa, and I decided that we wanted to self-produce a web series that would give us a chance to shine as writers and actors- the primary goal being that we would get enough material to produce a reel for our agents. So we went out for happy hour and brain stormed a few times, finally landing on the perfect idea for us. We put the word out to our pals and on social media, and by the end of the day we had the director we want, the editor, a domain, and the first meeting planned. The meeting included four hours of intense, hilarious, invigorating brainstorming and snacks. Deadlines for scripts, set ups to interview crew, and we are on our way. Oh, yes, putting some money into it to start the whole ball rolling. Now we are setting goals to do a whole web series- with the dream of selling it and actually moving forward to bigger production goals. Makes the work day at the day job almost worth it, right?

Letting go of everything negative that defined us in the past

Last summer my bigger-than-life dad, my very physically strong, tireless father, was bitten by a brown recluse spider on his way to a vacation weekend with my mother and their best friends.  He knew he'd been bitten, but he didn't stop driving.   Upon reaching the destination, my parents checked into their hotel and soon it was clear that my father had suffered the potential event that would change his life forever.

He couldn't move for one thing.  Once in the Emergency Room, it became clear he had been seriously injured by the spider.  Over a period of a few weeks, my dad suffered at least four surgeries on his arm to stop the flesh eating effects of the spider bite.  At one point it was reported to me that he might have his right arm amputated.

The daughter and grandson of the best friends stepped in for me- they were advocates for my parents in the hospital, errand-runners, listeners, and liaisons between family, doctors and everyone else involved.  Naturally my father insisted that I stay home, not to worry.

Now let me just say....I suspect my presence could cause a wee bit of stress which prompted his INSISTENCE that I not come.  I am rather high strung.  I'm certain my parents appreciated having someone else's children step up in their time of need.  Their own children can be rather trying.

The crisis passed but it set me on an emotional search for how to deal with my parents as they age.  They are going to age.  These powerful spirits who have had so much impact on my life will grow frail and vulnerable someday.  How can I be a better daughter?  As they age it will not be a time to harbor regrets from the past, not a time to blame.  It will become a time to release anything negative that defined us as a family in the past.  It will be a time for maturity, for forgiveness, for compassion.  It will be a time to encourage them to live well, enjoy life, enjoy each other, and not be afraid that their daughter would thoughtlessly plant them somewhere they don't want to be.  I want their trust.  How do I earn that now?

BUT they, and I, are going to remain the people we have always been.  Their personalities, their interests are not really going to change.   Changing a family dynamic is challenging.  If you listen to counselors or friends, they will say, "you can only change you."  But I believe a family can become new.  All of life is a transition of one kind or another.  But you have to let go of everything negative that defined your family in the past.  Everything.

The healing process was tough for dad, taking months.  My father exhibited a strength I didn't know he had.  My bigger-than-life, physically strong, tireless father was a bigger dad to me then than he ever was in the past. 

A spider sent him on a path of decline and gave him the opportunity to show what he is made of.  On the one hand he aged, on the other he grew as a man and made me proud. 

My challenge remains letting go of the regrets that I did not appreciate them enough in the past....the past....the past.  

Three little boys and their hats

All three men remembered the old soldier in the same way.  When they were five, he was young, virile, someone to look up to.  Look up to him they did.  In 1952 he had fought a war that most everyone was behind- he'd killed Nazi's and that was a good thing in their young minds.  A hero. 

The soldier's son, born after the war, watched his dad leave for Korea.  Another war- more heroism- his pride overwhelming his impulse to cry and beg his father to stay.  His father left for that war on a night when all three boys were together- his son in his little twin bed- the Daniel Boone coonskin cap on his bedpost- the other two boys bunking- the boy on top, army helmet on his bedpost- the boy below, cowboy hat on his.  Little men.

It was the middle of the night when his dad woke him to say goodbye.  "Don't cry, son.  Your father will be back."  "Yessir."  "You three boys take care of each while I am gone, and take care of your mother."

Saw the old soldier again in 2006, this time he was 78 years old.  His son had been missing in action for at least forty years- MIA, Viet Nam.  Surely he's dead, but could never be sure- his body was never recovered.  The Army kept coming up with remains- DNA testing from the maternal remains- only proving that, while several GI Joe's had made their way back to American graves and long-suffering families, none of them had managed to be this old soldier's son. 

He didn't mind so much for himself.

It was the boy's mother who suffered so.  She descended into some kind of grief-induced dementia and finally died. 

She'd run around naked and start fires everywhere. 

Towards the end he had to put her on a dog leash to keep her safe.

Powering Through Fear

A group of my friends and I watched a DVD doc called "Finding Joe" about the hero's journey by Joseph Campbell.  I bought the DVD and Carl and I watched it last week.  It really inspired us both to get off ours duffs this week, but…anyway, enough about that!   I know I am inspired to go on my own journey finally doing some things I really  want to do.  I know I often resist doing the one thing I most want to do.  So here's what I read today…..

If you resist the call, you are right on course. Resisting the call to the adventure is part of the journey.

It's natural to resist that which not only fills a deep need, but can also reveal where you might have fear or self doubt.

When I went to the vertigo doctor this week, he kept using the terms "empower" and "power through".  I believe spiritually my vertigo is a symptom of an imbalance in my real life versus my creative life.  He diagnosed me with the most common kind of vertigo and he treated it with physical therapy right there on the spot.  It was so scary because he placed my head and neck and body in positions that cause great fear and distress to me- he could see how scared I was to be placed in those positions which HAVE ALWAYS caused me to have extreme vertigo, but he held me down and "empowered" me to "power through".    He gave me exercises to power through a four day vertigo episode that may come in the future in only four minutes. 

I can't help but think that powering through our fears might be empowering after all.